Pulled to Reality by the Grace of God: Fred Gilham’s Journey as a Christian

Illustration by Shirley; A Shepherd with his Flock

When we think of the average Christian, we think of a fairly wealthy, well-dressed family attending church in a nice neighborhood. However, not every Christian’s life can be that simple. From growing up in poverty to having a mother who had to take care of five children, challenges which many kids didn’t even have to contemplate became nearly insurmountable for Fred. How does one bridge the path between a disrupted upbringing to eventually finding peace in God while struggling with family issues? How does someone reconcile with the fact that they’re sinful, and need God’s forgiveness? Fred Gilham’s story is a testament to the transformative power of grace delivered from the hands of Providence. Let’s witness his journey from a broken childhood to Christianity to eventually becoming a pastor, helping others through their struggles.

Fred Gilham, otherwise known as Pastor Fred, was born in 1955 and spent most of his first years moving around, due to his father’s occupation in the army as a Navy submarine

One of Fred's Homes

commander. Eventually, Fred settled down in San Francisco in 1959, where he stayed for the next twelve years. Due to his father’s military position, his family was able to live in a housing project established by the government. Despite his criticisms of the project, Fred comments, “It was [thankfully] very kid friendly. There were many playgrounds [...], hills [...], and kids I could play football with.” Not long after settling into San Francisco, their parents divorced, and Fred spent most of his time with his mother. 

Fred’s relationship with his single mother wasn’t always so great. “She tried her best to raise us, but she had her own demons,” Fred would say. “However, one thing I’m grateful for was how she never drank alcohol, took drugs, or tried to sleep with other men.” Thankfully,

because of his mother’s choice to stay sober, even when she had a bad day at work, “the worst she would do was yell at us, but she’d never hit us. [...] She needed lots of help, but we were too young to give it to her.” His relationship with his father was even worse. “He was a person who’d always try to control others, and never back down once he had his mind set,” Fred said, most likely due to being confined to a ship for months on end. “Thankfully, I didn’t have to spend much time with him after the divorce.”

Fred’s struggles continued as he entered high school. Though studying was hard, he was able to get by in school. “One thing I regret was that I never learned how to work hard,” Fred said. “My mother didn’t care too much either–as long as I got passing grades, she was satisfied.” In the end, he was still thankful for the role his mother played in his life. “She put food on the table, and besides that, it was just benign neglect. She didn’t help me but didn’t pester me either, and I was fine with that. I understood she didn’t have the energy to supervise us.”

One thing that helped Fred pass his time and ease his pain was fantasizing–it was part of the reason why he enjoyed reading (in particular, science fiction) so much. After all, due to the lack of parental guidance and friends due to his shyness, that was all Fred could do in his spare time. However, as time went on, the dissatisfaction with his life grew higher and higher, and it became something he couldn’t just push to the back of his mind. Looking back, he

Kids Hanging Out

comments, “I think many people fill their lives with activity, even with noise, to make themselves feel alive. I think for me the issue was the fact that I was alone. I have had a lot of alone time in my life, especially when I was young, and I often found it painful.” Around his junior year of high school, Fred was at one of the lowest points in his life–so, when told about Christianity, he said “it seemed worth a try.” After all, he felt like “whatever [he] did wouldn’t make a difference,” so he may as well give it a shot. Looking back, Fred also comments, “I became a Christian because of dissatisfaction with my life. I felt like I wasn’t able to overcome the inefficiencies in my personality to become happy.”

Yet, when Fred attended church, he said that “I found that I was gradually being connected to reality.” As a person who had spent most of his time daydreaming, Fred’s worries of “living a fantasy life,” separate from the world, were now gone. Christianity caused Fred to be able to look outside of himself, to his brothers in Christ around him. The process wasn’t always easy. In fact, Fred says “it was painful, with many bumps along the way.” Yet, he persisted, and found out that the more serious he took Jesus’s teachings, the better off he was.

After experiencing such joy, one would assume Fred would be upset at everything he’s missed in his childhood. Yet, instead of believing God caused the problems in his life, Fred felt as if God was the solution. “Life was hard for many people because people simply didn't follow God. People would blame God but they never took him seriously, so why should they expect their lives to make sense?” One quote from Fred especially highlights his thought process:

“Instead of hanging on to resentments, grudges, hurts and bitterness, I ‘deny myself’ and ‘take up my cross’ and follow Jesus. [...] By identifying with Christ's death you can let go of things. As a result, those things no longer determine the way your life turns out. “

Fred at a Church Retreat, Later on in his Life

Fred says that often, humans don’t realize they’re not fully fulfilled. Fulfillment is, after all, subjective–what fulfillment is depends on the most fulfilling moments a person experiences in their life. Nonetheless, Christianity helped wholly fulfill Fred’s life and give it meaning. When asked to comment on how his life would be different if he hadn’t found Jesus, Fred says, “If the aimlessness in my life continued I could see it turning out pretty bad. I didn't really believe in anything that would give my life direction and probably I would have become more and more self-seeking.” Fred urges non-religious people to seek God and at the very least, give the experience a shot. Finally, at the conclusion of the interview, as a general recommendation for kids of all ages, Fred simply says, “Go find friends. Experience life. If you’re willing, hang out with Christians and see what they think. Otherwise, there are other groups you can join–band, drama, or clubs in general.”

Some of you may have felt like high-school Fred–a sheep, lost in flights of fancy and aimless wandering, with no home to turn to. You may believe you’ve experienced all life has to offer to you. To that, Fred says, “explore.” Whether it’s a religion or not, whether it’s effective or not, explore. And at the end, when you eventually reach your destination, you’ll know from the sense of fulfillment you feel. Don’t look back on your regrets–instead, be happy you’ve been rescued from the depths of your life.